Tuesday, October 14, 2014

A loss

A month and a half ago I discovered I was pregnant. I was somewhat shocked, since I was preventing pregnancy (with the ParaGard IUD). I went to the doctor understanding that it needed to be removed immediately. If the IUD stayed there were major risks to consider, if it was taken out there were still risks, but minor. I understand that some women have a wonderful experience with IUD's. Even many who got pregnant while using them still went on to have healthy pregnancies and healthy children. There are also many women whose experiences weren't so successful.

Unfortunately, that was my experience.

I always thought when miscarriages happened it was just the bodies way of ridding itself of an abnormality. Its natures way. Which is true for the most part. Unless there is a foreign object in your body that it is causing harm, and not the protection it should. When hearing of women who would have a miscarriage, I could never relate. Especially before having my own children. I would assume they were lucky there weren't too far along, or that they didn't know the sex, or sum it up as "natures way." I would never say those things out loud, but just think them to myself. But then, I too had shared an experience with them. And it changed everything. Everything.

I feel like the word 'miscarriage' sums up what I went through. It didn't feel like a miscarriage. It felt more like the loss of a child. I had a bump, there was no doubt there was a little one in me. I had known I was expecting for a couple of weeks before the bleeding started. So in that time came many prayers over this baby and conversations with it as well. I was a bit guarded feeling as though I was walking on eggshells with it. But regardless, it was my baby. It was a life. But something deep deep in me told me something wasn't right. And a short time later, I knew it wouldn't be.

I told the doctor when I started cramping and spotting. All I can say is I really wish I would have been prepared. I know that this process is different for every women: physically, emotionally, and when it comes time to grieving and healing. The pain. It was unbelievable. Worst pain I ever felt. Ever. And it didn't last a day. It lasted 3 weeks. I could hardly walk. I could hardly be a mom or wife. Basically bed ridden. And when It came time to lose the baby, it hurt. Physically it hurt terribly, but it doesn't even cover what I felt emotionally. No one told me what it might look like. And all I'll say is it didn't look like nothing. I think in that moment I realized that a life is a life. I am very pro-life. I do believe a person is a person from the moment of conception. So then I wonder, why do so many minimize (especially pro-life folks) the hurt of a miscarriage. The moment I lost the baby this is how it felt: I LOST MY BABY. And it hurt. And I cried. You wanna know why I think it hurt so deep? Because it wasn't natures way. It wasn't an abnormality. It was because of a birth control that probably never should have been in me in the first place. And for a short while, I blamed myself.

I just want to say over and over again, this is not everyones story. This is not to scare anyone. You could read many stories on how wonderful certain forms of birth control are. You can read many stories where a women handles miscarriages very different from the next woman. This is only my story. I would just like to help women be aware of what they are placing in their body. Read the fine print. Know the risks. I thought I did & I was wrong. There really is a lot of info out there on birth control (any kind ) and what it may do to our bodies. For the most part, I would say it does it's job. But then you hear these stories, or it happens to you personally.
So do your research. Understand what is going on in your body and the risks and benefits that go along with it.

I also wanted to write this blog to validate the feeling of loss. If a mother looses a baby at the third week or 37th week, her feelings should be validated. No "at least you didn't.... at least you weren't....Your lucky you weren't..." No. Just don't. It is just painful. And it is a loss. I know that for some women this is just a completely private matter. And that is okay. And for some, their way of acknowledging they carried it (for whatever length of time) Is to talk about it, or share it with people. And that is okay too. When I went to church a few Sundays ago, I went up to receive prayer. I never do this. I actually don't think I have ever done it, ever. But I felt I needed to, I was in pain and I was desperate for other peoples prayers. When I went up the woman who prayed over me she cried when I told her my story, the fact that she felt for me amazed me. And then she asked to lay her hand on my belly. And I bawled. Because she acknowledged it. I kept trying to ignore the "bump" because I knew it would be gone soon. But she didn't ignore it. She saw it. And that alone helped me in so many ways. When she prayed over me, (my husband was praying over me also) she said all the right words. And while she was praying she said something that hit me so hard, "You have a purpose for this baby." And I honestly think that was all I needed to hear, because it filled me with such a peace. Now, I want to just say real quick that I don't at all believe God takes babies home, or takes them from their mothers (or fathers), but by her saying this baby had a purpose, It made me feel like this wasn't going to waste. It made me feel like all of this wasn't for nothing. I know that God was holding me every step of the way. And then I had a time where I was crying so hard that I could hardly breathe and I said to God "Losing a child is so hard." And I felt him say, "I know." Because of him losing a child, I will get to see mine again someday. Even though this pain cuts deeps, I feel a depth of his love that I hadn't ever really grasped before.

I cant wait to hold you in my arms someday, little one:

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Pumpkin Spice Playdough

My mom made a really good batch of playdough (out of an amish cookbook) a few months back. It was such a nice recipe and it seems to last forever! So I made the recipe and added a little pumpkin spice to the recipe. Pretty festive. And it smells so good I am having hard time not eating it. But then I see my kids germ-infested hands all over it and I quickly change my mind :) So here it is:

Playdough Recipe

1 C Flour
1 C water with coloring (I used orange- obviously)
1/4 C salt
2 tsp. cream of tartar
1 tbsp. oil

*I added in pumpkin spice while cooking, but you could use cinnamon or nutmeg, or anything.
 Cook over medium heat and stir until it sticks together and forms into a ball. Transfer to lightly floured cutting board and knead. I added more Pumpkin Spice while kneading. There you have it. Halloween Playdough. Have fun!

Monday, September 1, 2014

Grand Marais & Pictured Rocks

After we finished up in Saint Ignace we headed over to Grand Marais. This was probably my most favorite spot to camp. We were just a few steps from the beach (my happy place) and there was hardly anyone there. We watched many sunsets, collected rocks, and also had to chase after our naughty dog throughout the town. We headed over to Pictured Rocks, we took a boat out, we thought it would be easier to take a boat with two kiddos. Seriously, so beautiful! We also went through the town "Christmas", the kids were in heaven.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Saint Ignace, Michigan

Oh my goodness. I really meant to blog all of this stuff earlier, but it's like the kids keep me busy or something ;) But they are both napping right now so its go time for blogging! I recently shared about our little fam bam selling our house and deciding to travel (blog on making that decision and our plans with traveling soon, as well as making a camper a home) but we first wanted to take a trial run trip up north before we started gallivanting all over the US. We wanted to see how the reality would be of living in a camper, how the kids would handle everything, etc, etc. So anyways, I took a ton of photos so I will be dividing this up in a few different blogs.

Saint Ignace was our first stop, it was a super cute town and we basically just lived at the playground and took daily visits to the lighthouse. Our campsite had a view of the lake, that was really pretty to wake up to everyday.

    My dad introduced the kids to "Airwolf", a cheesy show about a plane, or jet, something like that, basically airwolf is the Chuck Norris of planes. So Eli is really into planes. We went to the little airport and asked if we could watch a plane take off, the pilot was so cool and said "Just come on back." He let the kids get in the airplanes and watch the take off- he offered to take us on a ride.....but....um....no.

                   Spent so much time at the lighthouse, I wouldn't mind never seeing another again

                                 Eli- Lover of train tracks        Serenity: habitual coffee stealer

     So that was our first adventure! I have a few more posts that I'll be sharing from up north. We really      had a blast and I cant wait to experience other places as well.